who cares if nobody cares
I'm still going back and forth about what I want this blog to be. I love to write, but often times I just can't. A mix of depression, anxiety, and general life duties tend to keep me held back more than I'd like. I love to take photos too, but the same roadblocks apply. I'm so overly critical of myself. Any time I'm presented with a time or place to show someone what I do, I find a thousand different reasons to recoil. My head tells me there's so much to lose by taking chances but I know the biggest loss of all is getting into bed full of regret at the end of the day. Those kinds of days add up quick. Almost thirty years of my life have passed and there's nothing I'm better at than keeping myself down. But I don't want this blog to become something I avoid. I would be devestated to find myself too afraid to exist in a space I created myself. This was not made to be a chore or a talent show. I want it free of expectation or guideline or my perfectionist tendancies. I am still learning how to be my authentic self and unlock parts of myself that I shut away a long time ago. There is so much I find myself wanting to put here but I manage to convince myself that nobody cares. But the question I am overdue to ask myself is, really, who cares if nobody cares? How long am I going to shout the same things over and over into this ether before I realize the only disservice I am doing is to myself? Daily practice (of anything) has never been my strong suit but I know that anything can become stronger when exercised daily. I have a good friend who will often pull out a quote from the show Angel: "If nothing you do matters, than all that matters is what you do." She somehow slips it into conversations whenever I need it most, whether we realize it or not, and I love her for that. I owe it to myself to introduce some effort into my life if only for the sake of honoring my mind, growing my heart, and trusting my gut. So here is yet another post that feels like yet another introduction as I give this the most earnest try I can. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I hope wherever you are in your journey, you are opening yourself up to the beauty, art, and validity in your own life. We are all worth the findings.