HAZY HEAT

hi friends. hope you're staying well, hanging in there, doing all the things you need to do to keep yourself going. today is the first of my week off from work and I am brimming with anxiety over not knowing what to do with myself. a lot to write but nothing to say, I guess? I tend to lay the pressure on myself when I have a day off to somehow pack all the things that I want to do/am capable of/have been  procrastinating/can't normally find energy for  into the span of 24 hours. it has always been hardest for me to relax on days that are specifically meant for relaxing. but there is a lot transpiring out here in the universe, despite accepting it begrudgingly at first. my partner and I learned that we'll have to move at the end of next month. I have moved so many times in my life, four times in the past four years alone. the moves each signaled the end of something significant in their own way, and it seems that I emotionally lose more than I gain. this move comes ...

I had a dream about you. The details are blurry but I know it was you. I recognize your face anywhere. It has been etched into my mind, all of the grooves and details of you. I've only seen you a few times in the last five years, ranging from just a few seconds to days at a time. I think I will know your face forever. In the dream, you took my hand and kissed it. You looked at me with your brown eyes, the way you used to. I remember how each time you'd look at me I'd think to myself,  he has the kindest eyes I've ever seen . It was part of why I fell in love with you. True, young, first-time firecracker soul type love. Grooves and details change over time, like a story. Eyes remain a home. You kissed my hand and I felt the love we used to feel. I know that love doesn't exist anymore, and that is okay. We are both in a new place. We've ridden our own waves of distance and growth. Time itself can do wonders to both destroy and create. It's not that I long for ...

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Last week I admitted to myself out loud that I don't want to be alive anymore. Not so much that I want to experience death, as I actually have an intense fear of myself or my loved ones dying (mostly the latter). More so that my will to live -- my capacity for joy, my ability to imagine my future, any positive feelings I have about who I am -- has become unrecognizable. Un-locatable. Shriveled to the point of almost having vanished completely. I stood in the shower, post-panic attack, lights off, and let this revelation of words escape and cascade over me like hot water.  I want to be gone, I do not want to exist, I want all that I am to be over. As much as this moment was a revelation, it was also not one at all. I have felt some form of this feeling for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, something always felt off. I was always missing something or someone. I never felt totally safe or content with myself. I have to attribute this to both nurture and nature I suppose...

Some love from the summer.    ☼

I remember receiving the news of Trump's win in the presidential election in 2016. Actually, that’s a lie. I don't remember the minute details that many as some others seem to. I know I went to work; I don't remember much else. But I will never forget how I felt. As a... person? victim? survivor? of sexual assault, it was a special kind of pain to watch this man carry through his campaign to such victory despite the abhorrent things he said about women, their bodies, and the lack of consent he showed on numerous occasion. It was devastating, but it was not surprising, which maybe made it all the more the devastating. Donald Trump demonstrated that a man can speak openly about assaulting women and still be seen as worthy of the highest seat in the American court system, one of the most powerful positions in the world. Living proof that the fate of women, the respect of women, and the voices of women do not hold a candle to a man with wealth -- be it financial or social. Ev...

I've been dying to come back here with something to say. The days are getting shorter, darker, colder, and with everything in my being I wish I could reconstruct my anxiety into a weapon against what I know (and don't know) is up ahead. But instead, here I am - a sad bitch who's thinkin' too much. I was talking to Katie the other day about where I'm at mentally and the best I could do was the absence of color, black and white like static. There's so much churning at once that I can't pick any of it apart. I try to verbalize it and come up with nothing. This blog is one of the only places I can really find the words for the things I need to say, but even that can be a struggle. My camera's been acting up; I recently got back a load of film that I'm not happy with. It looks about as bleak as I felt when I took it, which is to be expected (thank you, universe). None of my images or words have been turning out the way I want. Our Queer Halloween event h...

 I have a bunch of film to drop off today (fingers crossed I get that done) so I figure it's time to start clearing out the photos of the summer. There's a lot going on in my life right now but I don't have a whole lot to say. This weekend was warm and loving with a perfect mix of productivity and leisure. My partner and I ventured about 30 minutes west of us, where everything turns to miles of tree and cornfield. We enjoyed some whiskey, went on some long walks, and talked about our future. A month ago we started the big conversation – the one that covers moving, buying a house, and starting our life somewhere we see ourselves long term. Since our current lease renews in February, our realistic goal is 2022. I love her so much, and the love I feel for her has shown me so much about how to love myself. There is nobody else I would rather have beside me in this entire world. Change has never been my strong suit though, for as often as I've experienced it. I've moved ...