Showing posts from January, 2021

a study on grief: cooper and colbert

 As I spend the next five days preparing and executing my move, I will try and take it as a time of research. So often I feel like if I am not actively creating something, or working towards a final product, I am failing. This leaves me feeling like a failure quite often because I am the first to stop myself before I even start. I've been looking through my pictures but lacking inspiration on what to do with them. But you know why that might be? I haven't been able to pick up my film camera in almost four months. Maybe I am struggling to write cohesively because I'm not taking the time to read. Maybe I'm hitting a musical plateau because I haven't set aside time to listen, really listen, to music I love. And furthermore, maybe I'm spinning circles in my head about what should be there because I haven't taken the time to really look at what already is. One of my greatest coping mechanisms (and subsequent downfalls) is distraction. It's much easier to sc

put the feeling in your hands

Jealousy is something I don't handle well. It is quick to transmute into shame and shame is something my brain is triggered to sink its teeth into whenever it has the chance. This morning I did some things that were bad for me. I snooped around when I should have minded my own business. I compared myself to people who I don't even know, living their lives in completely different universes than me. I pitted myself against people in my own head who, probably, like me, didn't have anything to gain from it. Immediate joys in my life were put aside to make time for self-sabotage.  The world has been on pause for a year, yet I still punish myself  for not being "where I should be", whatever fictional place or time that may be. I staunchly refuse to act as if the pandemic is getting better and ignore health guidelines, yet I continue to be jealous of those who are "succeeding" by having no such refusal.  Why am I like this?  My therapist says that when I

there is no survival without surrender

This morning I'm thinking about change. I'm exactly two weeks away from moving into a new little house in one of my favorite towns with my partner. I will FINALLY be shooting film again on my beautiful new baby, an olympus stylus epic zoom 80 (shout out to aforementioned partner, again, for being a true Christmas angel and exhibiting extreme patience and kindness in the face of extensive USPS delays.) I've been out of commission since October and it's left a not-so-tiny hole in my heart. And with that new camera comes a new logo! My wonderful, talented friend Patrick   was commissioned to create a new HAZY HEAT logo as my other gift (how lucky am I?). I'm singing and playing guitar more, making me feel like a new person and my old self  simultaneously . There have been more honest  converations  with friends, more planning, more creative ideas I want to bring to life. At the same time, people in my life around me are going through changes too. One day I'll hear

at the center of the forest

The first thing I want to say to anyone reading this that I hope you are well. I hope you are taking care of your heart and mind, logging off when you need to, making sure you are drinking water and getting enough sleep. We need to preserve ourselves, show ourselves some grace. I am writing because I do not know what else to do. The past 24 hours have been an amalgam of news reels, doom scrolling, group texts and poor sleep. Every few months I remember that I can stream the news on the television in my room, so it's been an influx of tense images and information. Writing this exact sentence has taken me ten minutes because I keep picking up my phone and checking social media. The TV in front of where I sit cycles between domestic terrorists, police brutality, and the global pandemic. I want to cry but nothing is coming out. As unsurprising as the last 24 hours have been in theory, it still feels surreal. During my 8:00 am scroll through instagram (which I do not recommend), I ca

is it snowing where you are?

It's been a few days since 2020 ended and I am already breathing easier. Most of this relief is in my head — nothing spectacular happened once the new year arrived and nothing really heinous happened when it departed. We were not met with fireworks or guillotines. The passing of time, however spliced - a year, a week, a chapter, an era - is easily defined by dates but more accurately defined by emotion.  The first snow, a heavy snow, came the day after Christmas. That is when my winter started. The real New Year will come when we move into our new place in three weeks. What changed after 11:59 except a timestamp and a state of mind. I love a self-proclaimed new beginning. I am also terrified of them.  Today was the first Monday of the new year. I woke up earlier than normal, washed my hair, made a cup of coffee. Added almond extract. Work felt the same as it always does, only slightly slower than usual. I talked to a friend whose marriage might be ending, who is entering the battle