So much of my identity is made up of layers upon layers built around the small, scared, uncared for child I was. I've done my best (although not consistently) to ensure that these layers are made up of healed wounds instead of bitter hardness. But like any human, I can lose control of the landscape and let the bad slip through. The small child who will lash out in fear or exhaustion still has enough strength in her bones to rise in the face of difficult moments. I work hard to learn myself fully, but sometimes, even when I don't realize it, old feelings still arrive off-guard. Like a recovered memory living in anciently deep trenches of my soul. I have hurt almost every person I truly love at least once in my life. Deep, betraying, arguably unforgivable kinds of hurts. But true remorse and earnest effort can be met with true forgiveness. I have learned the meaning of grace through real-time love far better than I could through any god.
Showing posts from August, 2021
A big ol' photo dump from late spring, early summer. There are many scary things happening in the world right now, and while art cannot make any of it go away, it can remind us we are alive and human together. Taking photos on film provides me a special kind of introspection I can't really access any other way, not even through writing. It begins subconsciously, when I feel the urge to make sure I've grabbed my camera before I head out the door (which is not always the case). Sometimes I take pictures to capture memories, other times to capture specific feelings. It is most often an excavation of my own feelings. I am drawn to small corners, moments of life that remind me beautiful things exist in the world even when I am struggling to see them. I am drawn to moments filled with friends and laughter that I know I will one day want to look back on and say, "Wow, do you see this? Look at this magic. I am so grateful to have been a part of it". I don't know what
I don't have much to say except that I'm editing a lot of film, trying to be present, working on routines that benefit my mental health, and starting up the hazy heat instagram again. Social media is a slippery slope for me, but I'm trying to venture back in to reclaim a bit of space. You see what works and what doesn't, right? If you're on instagram and wanted to follow along, it would be very cool and mean a whole lot to me. There won't be anything posted on instagram that won't be here as well - hazyheat.com is still most priority and a very precious love. But over the last couple months, as I've been struggling with self-worth and impostor syndrome and all sorts of trauma-related ruminations peppered onto my depression and anxiety (there's a mouthful for you), it seems that my first instinct to back away from life just isn't working anymore. And, again, you do what works until it doesn't work. Then you recalibrate. So here I am, recali