Showing posts from October, 2020

tougher, tender

I've been dying to come back here with something to say. The days are getting shorter, darker, colder, and with everything in my being I wish I could reconstruct my anxiety into a weapon against what I know (and don't know) is up ahead. But instead, here I am - a sad bitch who's thinkin' too much. I was talking to Katie the other day about where I'm at mentally and the best I could do was the absence of color, black and white like static. There's so much churning at once that I can't pick any of it apart. I try to verbalize it and come up with nothing. This blog is one of the only places I can really find the words for the things I need to say, but even that can be a struggle. My camera's been acting up; I recently got back a load of film that I'm not happy with. It looks about as bleak as I felt when I took it, which is to be expected (thank you, universe). None of my images or words have been turning out the way I want. Our Queer Halloween event h

the steps of my favorite house

 I have a bunch of film to drop off today (fingers crossed I get that done) so I figure it's time to start clearing out the photos of the summer. There's a lot going on in my life right now but I don't have a whole lot to say. This weekend was warm and loving with a perfect mix of productivity and leisure. My partner and I ventured about 30 minutes west of us, where everything turns to miles of tree and cornfield. We enjoyed some whiskey, went on some long walks, and talked about our future. A month ago we started the big conversation – the one that covers moving, buying a house, and starting our life somewhere we see ourselves long term. Since our current lease renews in February, our realistic goal is 2022. I love her so much, and the love I feel for her has shown me so much about how to love myself. There is nobody else I would rather have beside me in this entire world. Change has never been my strong suit though, for as often as I've experienced it. I've moved

ode to the pink tent / it's queer halloween!

Happy almost-Friday, my friends. We're surviving another week of this terrible, terrible year. But as terrible as it's been, good things have come. I was lucky enough to stumble upon some new friends around the beginning of the year. My partner posted her  youtube channel  on our local  "What's Happening" page and received a message back from a girl named  Annie Hex . She was looking to link up the queer people in our area as a means of finding friendship outside the cis-white-straight default our area has to offer. Weeks went by and I was introduced to people right in my neighborhood who I'd never even known. Interesting, creative, kind people. I have a group of wonderful close friends in my life, whom I’ve known for the better part of my entire life. Through the years we’ve ended up moving a fair distance apart, 15 miles in a car to 15 hours on a plane, and I've always found making new friends difficult due to my anxiety. It's become increasingly dif

brain melt check-in

Today marks seven months of working from home. My room is the only place in the house I can work, so it's where I have spent 10-12 hours of my day every day. Just here watching this shitshow of a year play out. I've been in my bed for what feels like weeks. I've also been watching the Amy Coney Barrett judiciary hearing for two days straight... chalking it up to a streak of masochism. My mind is turning to mush. So here are some photos from the two times my partner and I made it out to Chicago this summer to visit family. Some nice, unmelted memories. ☼

emotional collage: if you shout honesty, the void will shout it back

I spent most of my time in college working as a tutor. I was a music education major at the time and had been lucky enough to stumble into the gig by way of a genuinely kind football coach named Andy that frequented the bar where I waitressed. The athletic center had been searching desperately for someone to tutor Music 101, a class that students were placed in under the assumption that it would be a blow off class. Little did they know that Music 101 was taught by the most unforgiving of musical scholars - jazz program grad students. Only one semester passed before I was tutoring pretty much every subject they needed, other than math and chemistry. Those were a hard pass for me. My students  were all athletes, a lifestyle with which I was unfamiliar that made me love it all the more. I learned something from every single student I worked with. It remains my favorite job to this day. There were a few students I connected with more deeply, as any person in my position might have. One s

methods of perseverance

My brain feels like an ember. No flame presents itself, only a glowing burn that is too dangerous for me to touch. Flames are known for their brightness, their presence. They can light up miles of skyline and leave nothing but ruins. And while a flame can be snuffed out, it is the ember that must be destroyed to stop the burn. An ember the size of a fingernail can reignite a fire that can last for days. It will destroy everything in its path, making room for the new. It is hard for me to reach that fire. So often I sit and burn.  I have spent my summer taking pictures of sunflowers. We have a community garden in walking distance of our home and they were a staple in many of the plots. Their petals are my favorite shade of yellow but that is not the reason. They remind me of my father, his favorite. The flower I always choose to leave in his memory. That is not the reason either. Each time I am in the presence of a sunflower I am filled with awe. I do not believe in god but standing in