Showing posts from December, 2020

still above water

hi friends. hope you're staying well, hanging in there, doing all the things you need to do to keep yourself going. today is the first of my week off from work and I am brimming with anxiety over not knowing what to do with myself. a lot to write but nothing to say, I guess? I tend to lay the pressure on myself when I have a day off to somehow pack all the things that I want to do/am capable of/have been  procrastinating/can't normally find energy for  into the span of 24 hours. it has always been hardest for me to relax on days that are specifically meant for relaxing. but there is a lot transpiring out here in the universe, despite accepting it begrudgingly at first. my partner and I learned that we'll have to move at the end of next month. I have moved so many times in my life, four times in the past four years alone. the moves each signaled the end of something significant in their own way, and it seems that I emotionally lose more than I gain. this move comes with it

last night

I had a dream about you. The details are blurry but I know it was you. I recognize your face anywhere. It has been etched into my mind, all of the grooves and details of you. I've only seen you a few times in the last five years, ranging from just a few seconds to days at a time. I think I will know your face forever. In the dream, you took my hand and kissed it. You looked at me with your brown eyes, the way you used to. I remember how each time you'd look at me I'd think to myself,  he has the kindest eyes I've ever seen . It was part of why I fell in love with you. True, young, first-time firecracker soul type love. Grooves and details change over time, like a story. Eyes remain a home. You kissed my hand and I felt the love we used to feel. I know that love doesn't exist anymore, and that is okay. We are both in a new place. We've ridden our own waves of distance and growth. Time itself can do wonders to both destroy and create. It's not that I long for

remnants of autumn


a life update.

Last week I admitted to myself out loud that I don't want to be alive anymore. Not so much that I want to experience death, as I actually have an intense fear of myself or my loved ones dying (mostly the latter). More so that my will to live -- my capacity for joy, my ability to imagine my future, any positive feelings I have about who I am -- has become unrecognizable. Un-locatable. Shriveled to the point of almost having vanished completely. I stood in the shower, post-panic attack, lights off, and let this revelation of words escape and cascade over me like hot water.  I want to be gone, I do not want to exist, I want all that I am to be over. As much as this moment was a revelation, it was also not one at all. I have felt some form of this feeling for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, something always felt off. I was always missing something or someone. I never felt totally safe or content with myself. I have to attribute this to both nurture and nature I suppose