the steps of my favorite house
Growing up I remember the highly quoted Perks of Being a Wallflower line, "we accept the love we think we deserve". It always sounded like bullshit to me. It never seemed logical to think that I, a person who is admittedly bad at loving themselves, could never be seen by someone else for more than I saw myself. Everyone’s view of themselves is flawed, right? And if who I am comes with flaws and weakness, couldn’t someone be capable of loving that too? I had loved flawed people my entire life, right?
I was only partially right. I have been loved despite my pain, but nobody has
ever been able to love me out of it. That is because it is not possible. To be
loved to the ends of the earth means nothing when you are not ready to travel
to that end yourself. I am learning that feeling loved and feeling worthy are
very different, often separately extracted thing. Love is blissful but it is
not always sustainable. We are taught to keep love high on a pedestal where it
cannot be reached our touched or tampered with. Where it is safe. This
seemingly good move is actually the most weakening. Love is strongest on the
ground, laid like framework. It can also easily seem like a net, or a blanket,
meant to encapsulate the feelings we want more of or the feelings we want to hide.
But in my experience, what’s most likely to get caught or covered in this
misuse of love is ourselves. Love is durable and long-lasting when it is a steppingstone,
moving us closer to that which we feel is lacking in ourselves. Worthiness,
trust, communication, growth – we work for then. We put one foot in front of
the other on top of the groundwork. The love my partner and I have created
allows us to move forward with balance and it wouldn’t be nearly as strong if
it did not exist inside us both equally. Every day she teaches me more about
taking these steps without fear. Looking back on these almost-four years
together, I believe we can go anywhere together.