still above water

hi friends. hope you're staying well, hanging in there, doing all the things you need to do to keep yourself going. today is the first of my week off from work and I am brimming with anxiety over not knowing what to do with myself. a lot to write but nothing to say, I guess? I tend to lay the pressure on myself when I have a day off to somehow pack all the things that I want to do/am capable of/have been procrastinating/can't normally find energy for into the span of 24 hours. it has always been hardest for me to relax on days that are specifically meant for relaxing.

but there is a lot transpiring out here in the universe, despite accepting it begrudgingly at first. my partner and I learned that we'll have to move at the end of next month. I have moved so many times in my life, four times in the past four years alone. the moves each signaled the end of something significant in their own way, and it seems that I emotionally lose more than I gain. this move comes with its own uncertainties but with the prospect of more stability than I expected... (more on that another time). my camera is still broken, but it's pushing me to develop and edit a lot of sitting film I have. I've been going to therapy and trying to utilize it in my daily life, often but not always succeeding (more to come on that, too). without diving too deep into everything... I will just say that a lot of people in my life who I lovingly hold in high regard have said that the unraveling of familiarity in my life right now is making room for bigger, brighter, more genuine things. that which is leaving me is meant to go and it's that which is meant for me will arrive. as usual, they are all turning out to be correct.

while I am sorting through my current self, I wanted to come on here and say that even in its small orbit, this blog has brought more out of me than I thought I had left. it has gotten me writing, taking pictures, listening to (and subsequently playing) music. it has required me to think about what it means to act intentionally and openly - in living, in creating, in finding happiness. separately and apart. this blog is a space where I have started to find myself again. I didn't use it as much as I wish I would, but I must acknowledge my victory of using it at all. it has been years since I had the courage to put myself authentically into anything. it is still not my strongest skill, but it feels very special to have a space to practice.

if you are reading this, thank you. thank you for allowing my thoughts + words to have space in your life. sharing myself honestly still does not come naturally. I work hard to write here from an unperceived mindset because that is what I like to read. it makes me feel less alone in the world, like I am capable of beautiful things. it is the coolest thing in the world to possibly do that for someone else.

I'm dreaming of a chapter of my life. the new space, the springtime, all the hazy heat to come. it feels good to be hopeful again. more here soon.