summer sleep demon
As the summer has started to unfold, I have not been very nice to myself. That 5:00 pm golden hour hits and I wonder why I feel anxious, hollow, and weak. Could it have anything to do with a day spent drinking four cups of coffee with zero water, forgetting to eat, and doom scrolling on the internet instead of going for a walk? Well, it actually has everything to do with those things. Are you surprised? Me neither. I am no more resilient than the plants in my house - I am an organic being. We are organic beings who need to be tended. I can churn up as many melodramatic reasons as I want about why my soul suffers on the sunniest days or why the world seems to be moving around me at a pace I could never match. But when all is said and done, if you're not giving yourself your basics, not much beauty will be able to grow.
Two days ago, while unable to sleep, I was struck with the urge to write this in my notes app: "Every day the realization becomes clearer that I can be anything I want to be, and that reality wholly exists inside what I already am."
It was a strange clarity that was very much unlike me. Mantras are difficult when you don't feel like you have anything good to say to yourself. It feels like you're chanting from a cheesy pinterest board created by someone who couldn't possibly understand you. It feels like a lie. Comparison has always been my downfall and I catch myself often getting into ruts of feeling undeserving or without purpose. Purpose, that's another concept I struggle with. Should I have one, and do I really need one? Does anyone? Or, if the purpose is already in motion, who's to say it's simply one categorical "thing"? Can existing not be it's own purpose? I'd like to think my purpose is to be a person who holds doors open for people, who claps loudly when someone's done something they're proud of. Who has the courage just often enough to put her sadness into the world as a reminder that life is rich, and we need access to all parts to see that richness. Even the parts that feel ugly or shameful. Each time we share our truth, it is a beacon for someone just like us. And why not us? Can't our purpose be ourselves and each other?
I don't know who that sweet sleep demon was that entered my brain and wrote that little mantra, but she's right and I love her very much.