introduction vs continuation

I've been thinking for a long time. Thinking about creation, stagnancy, vulnerability, and self-fulfilling prophecies. About the concept of myself and all the ways I've existed in the past. About the lens of my own life. The person I am, the parts of me that deserve to be watered & tended, the parts of me that need to be let go. About the emotions I've boxed up for years. They've managed to somehow collect dust while thrashing around inside my chest. Overwhelmed, numb, overwhelmed, numb. Repeat. 

But it all leads to this concept: introduction vs continuation. Beginning this blog at 28 makes me feel a bit displaced. I've filled journals for years. My phone's notes section is ripe with written thoughts, from one-liners to full on elegies. But creating space for myself in the world has always seemed out of reach. Right now it feels close to impossible. What have I been doing since college? Where has the time gone? What is it I want to say? Do I have something to prove? How can I fight past the demons that have kept me quiet so many years? Is it a fight that I can even win? And what if it all turns out like shit? 

None of those questions can be resolved unless work is put in. I know I must give myself space to try if I'm ever going to come close to the answers. I am also notoriously bad at taking my own advice. 

When I allow my mind to idle, feelings hurl towards me like a car out of control. I play the role of "quiet but terrified deer who's about to be smashed into a bloody pulp". Opening up emotionally tends to leave me wide-eyed and stunned. But I haven't always been like this. I know there have been periods of my life where my desire to create has not outweighed my fear of vulnerability. My mental health has fluctuated heavily over the past five (...ten? fifteen?) years. Parts of me have chipped away no matter how much I do not want to admit it. The remaining parts feel broken. I honestly don't know if I can get any of it back. But finding beauty in ugly things has always been my method of defense against that which I have faced. That is what I will continue to hold. That is what needs to finally be pulled to the surface.

I want this blog to serve as a new story, mid-chapter. building up new things while unpacking the old. It will be scary and exciting and probably mundane most of the time. But I want it to be the truth. Radical vulnerability and courage. The rickety stepping stones made from this writing practice can lead to the uninhibited and mighty. I will make myself available to failure, success, change, growth. I will say what I need to say.